Victoria and Horses

(and the play that never was) (the end is worth it, trust)

Before I get into the interesting part of this post, I feel as though I need to clarify some of the horse-related misinformation that has been going around our greater 3rd hour class (ignited in part by Victoria's very limited-perspective blog post) (sorry lmao). 

To paint a fuller picture, let me set the scene:

So this week we had to make a satirical re-interpretation of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest. Immediately after I heard both the play's author and its title, I started to have a few vague thoughts pop into my mind. The title gave me the same vibes as the Shakespeare play that we read our sophomore year, Much Ado about Noting (this was before I even knew that the title of this play, like that if the later, was a play on words). 

But more interestingly, I thought the name Oscar Wilde sounded familiar. I didn't have Valentino, so I didn't actually read The Picture of Dorian Grey, so I must have known him from something else. Then, for some reason, I thought he had something to do with horses. I shared this epiphany with my table comrades, and so we decided to ask Mrs. Knudson.

So I, along with them, called Mrs. Knudson over to ask if Oscar Wilde had anything to do with horses. She sort of paused for a second before going all "5th-grade-mom-the-evening-after-the-'Just-Around-the-Corner'-video" mode on us and slowly explaining that Oscar Wilde was gay (which I probably would have figured out if I read The Picture of Dorian Grey), and that since all things gay were basically illegal in Victorian Era England, he had to find more "creative ways" of satisfying his urges, which included (supposedly) doing/being done by horses. It also got even more awkward because Mrs. Knudson said that Wilde may have "sodomized" horses, and Victoria asked her what that meant (yeah just google it, you've heard worse). 

a brony; a male My Little Pony fan

This was NOT what I had in mind when I pictured Oscar Wilde and horses, because I later found out that I wasn't thinking of horse sex, but in fact the popular horse racing song "William Tell Overture".

Now, I don't know how I mixed up an OW for a WTO, but somehow things went from Black Stallion to brony real quick.

Anyway...

Fast-forward a week later, and this becomes a running inside joke at our table (and something that we would awkwardly bring up to Mrs. Knudson throughout the rest of the duration of our study of the play). 

When we got assigned this project, Victoria (jokingly) wanted us to make our satirical play about horses, to you know, "come full circle" so to speak. 

Originally, we had no idea how we were going to do this, but I was graced a vision by God, and goddamn was that vision beautiful. I wrote most of the script for our play in about an hour and a half, and shared it with our group.

Now Victoria, despite BEING THE ONE WHO WANTED THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, was getting cold feet. She thought that my script was too immature, "making it one big sex joke" wasn't what Mrs. Knudson was looking for. 

I mean did we even read the same play (like hello, did you miss the like 5 scenes about cucumber sandwiches and the motif of "earnest"-ness)?? This is some Victoria-n level of hypocrisy. 

Anyway, I did eventually add some "real commentary" to the script, but alas it wasn't enough, Victoria still could not be convinced. (To be fair, I'm not sure what I expected, this was the same girl that wouldn't let us say "damn' in our actual play because "it wasn't school appropriate", despite very loudly cussing me out during the in-class essay for "being annoying". If was really that annoying I think the 3 other people at our table would have also said something about it). 

Also a random Liamini kid (sorry Jacob) joined our group, and trying to explain all this would have been awkward as hell, so I dropped the issue. But god damn it, I don't want my effort to go to waste. I think this would have been the freest ride to 50/50-town in the history of this class. 

But I'll let you guys be the judge of that.

 (I deleted the commentary because I think it's better to leave it up to interpretation) (also its late and I'm sore from practice) 

(audio provided for maximum viewing experience) 

(if you don't want to listen to it, keep in mind that the words "horse" and "whores" sound very similar with an old-timey British accent) 

Jack and Algernon are currently at Jack’s country home. Cecily is still to be married to Algernon, and Gwendolyn to Jack. They are taking an evening stroll in Jack’s garden, and they pass by Jack’s stable. Cecily is in the stable, cleaning. 

[Outside] 

J: "Algy, would you like to pay a visit to my horse"

A: (taken aback) "Your whores, Jack? I personally did not take you as being the type to keep whores"

J: "Yes I enjoy riding my horse all day, sometimes even into the sunset"

A: "The sunset? Dear Jack, I think you are in fact giving yourself too much credit, either that or you have no taste in your choice of whores. I bet you couldn't last more than 5 minutes with your whores"

J: "That is quite strange, I never thought of riding my horse as being a particularly demanding task. Personally, I like to take it nice and slow. It is quite the more amusing that way"

A: "Does Gwendolyn approve of your whores? I doubt she would be pleased to hear about this, especially so early in your marriage"

J: "I don't see what you mean, Gwendolen loves my horse. In fact, sometimes she joins us. She finds my attraction to my horse to be typical of any high class long-lasting and sophisticated marriage."

A: "Well, I suppose to each his own. Either way, I do not think it to be quite gentlemanly to be so open about what one does with one's whores, it's really the kind of thing that a man brags about only within the privacy of a public COD (Call of Duty) lobby"

J: "Well, I think I think it would suit you well to reserve your judgments until you've met my horse, it is quite well mannered"

A: "It dear Jack, It! I think that it is degrading enough for you to refer to them as your whores, but to not even give them the decency of proper pronoun usage is a step to far, I'm afraid"

J: "Ah yes, I suppose you are right, even animals like my horse have feelings too, despite them clearly being lesser than us intellectually of course"

A: "Dear Jack, this is the kind of stuff that could get you canceled nowadays. Please, I beg of you for your own future's sake not to allow another word to escape your mouth. You know that even our phone tracks what we say, as if Twitter wasn't enough of a deterrent against speaking one's mind" 

J: "Yes, Algy I'm quite aware of that fact. Anyhow, I suppose you're right. Enough idle chit-chat, I believe that there is no time more suitable than the present for you to meet my dear horse, he's quite a fine specimen and is very welcoming to strangers past 8"

A: "He?"

[Jack marches into the stable, Algernon slowly enters behind him, looking around inquisitively] 

A: (mutters to himself) “So this is where he keeps his whores, it certainly smells the part.”

 

[Algernon and Jack stop]

J: "Algy this is my prized horse John"

A: (normal voice)"Oh, your horse Jack! 

(muttering to himself) I suppose this damned accent is to blame for my misunderstanding.

(In normal voice) Forgive me but, even despite my previous misconceptions, it is still quite strange for a man to openly brag about his horse to another man, and even stranger that man to name his horse after himself"

(remember Johnathan = John = Jack back then)

J: "Well I found the name John fitting for my dear horse. I ride him every day, you know"

A: "Yes, that much at least was evident to me 5 minutes ago. You know you should really clarify the subject of your horse before you go on to brag about him in such excruciating detail, some may find the way you go on about your horse to be quite offensive, you know"

J: "Do not fret, for I am quite offended on their behalf."

A: "I'm sure they will appreciate your taking offense. But I can't help but ask (snickering to himself), why the long face?"

J: "(Exaggerated laugh) long face, hmm yes what jolly good sense of word play you have! You know, I do suppose it is quite long… yes… my dear horse John is in fact quite long. Henceforth, my horse, I shall call him Long John! (To horse) Here now boy, hush"

[Jack uses a stepping stool to mount his horse, however as he is getting up, he unknowingly kicks the stool from under him]. 

J: “Wow, my Long John seems quite tense, he has gotten quite hard. 

[Jack strokes Long John’s mane]

J: “There, there…”

[Jack motions to get off, realizes the stool is gone]

J: "Err…Algy, I require your assistance getting off my Long John"

A: (Looking around)(Beacons to Cecily)“Dear Cecily, could you help your Uncle Jack off his horse?”

C: "Of course I will help my dear Uncle Jack off his horse!"

[Cecily runs to the pen and pushes the stepping stool back in place. Jack gets off, and brushes off his overcoat]

A: "Ah, well. So now you will now tell people that the horse you ride all day long, is Long John, you ride on top Long John all day long?"

J: "Quite fittingly, yes"

 

TL:DR: mans busts it down equestrian style.